Hum Tum

The eternal rivalry, Man vs Women.
Just few things suddenly came up in my mind. Jotting it down. Some might find it funny, some might find it offensive and say I am taking girl's side. May be. And I will take guy's side also. But right now Ladies first.

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She: Hey, try this shirt. Does it fit?
He: Yeah, seems so.
She: Cool. It's for ur bday.
He: wow, great. Love u!

She: Oye, where is my bday gift haan?
He: Umm, I couldn't decide even after thinking a lot. But why are you being so materialistic?
She: Ok, then buy me a rose.
He: huh! what crap!

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She: Lets go somewhere and let us call it an official date. We didn't go for dating for long. I miss those good old days.
He: Huh! How kiddish. I am very busy love.

He's friend: Hey man, what you doing? Lets have some beer together sometime. I miss those good old days.
He: Yeah sure, lets go! Anytime for you man!

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1am:
She: Lets watch a movie tonight.
He: Sure, great!

3am:
She: Lets make love.
He: Sure, Great, I am always ready for it.

12am:
She: Lets talk about our relationship, our future, and marriage.
He: What Shit! Can't you see I'm so tired? Don't you have heart. You know I have been working whole day and I need to get up in the morning also.
She: Why are you being so rude? And whats your problem in talking about our relationship?
He: Me rude? You are over-reacting. You are melodramatic. Go see a doc.

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Well... That's all for now. :P

It's time

Life is delusional, a mesmerizing trap. We often lose track of time and we lose ourselves too. And then the time comes to collect the pieces and move on.

Now it's time again. Time to move on. Now I'll have to search for my soul. The disturbing part about this time is that while I was too busy fooling around with life, pleasing others, trying to impress others, I lost my soul too.

Once I find my soul back it's time to start a new life. A new life with good old me. All of my life I have been busy thinking and caring about others. It always has been others success, others happiness, others life, what the other one is thinking about me, where I stand in others life and little I thought about myself.

But enough now.

From now on it's my life. I would live it on my own. I am not going to give up my life for someone else. Let them think what they want to think. I don't need to change myself for someone who has little respect for me being me. I realized I can't change their opinion about me even if I die right in front of them saying how much they mean to me and how much I sacrificed for them.

They could see only if they had spared some time from their busy schedule of criticizing me, judging me and dissecting my every action. I can't change them and their habits.

I accept myself as the way I am. That's first step to be contented. I changed myself for nothing. Now I will go back to myself again.

I love myself. I love others too. But without "I" the love has no value.

Relationships in reality : It is so hard to say sorry

In reality, close-intimate relationship is not all about LOVE. It's more about LIKE. You can still love a person whom you don't like much. For example, in our teens we never like our parents but we still love them. But if you don't Like a person you are probably going to go away from that person or grow apart sooner or later.

We love most of our friends we make in our life. But we like few of them far more than others. They become best friends. And these likings are based on some trait, nature, or just something unknown we find in that particular person. Looks also play a big part in it. Not necessarily that the special person or that friend needs to be prince charming or beauty queen, but surely that person needs to have something special which might only we can see. It could be even something which doesn't exist in real life or in that person. It could be imaginary. And when we like that person we can do anything for that person/friend. Negative part of this liking is that sometime it feds away with time.

A person might still love his/her gf/bf a lot but he/she might not like her/him as much as he/she used to. And when you don't like the person much, the first thing which becomes so tough for you is to say sorry to that person when needed. And everything turns bitter.

Let us see a situation.

A and B likes each other a lot. They love to spend time with each other. Almost all the time they are together. A likes that B is a bit mysterious and B has lot of pain inside hiding which B never shares with others but when A shows interest in those things B allows that. Eventually B starts sharing those pains with A. So A is always there for B whenever B is vulnerable and sad because that makes A feel important. B finds A is most caring, loving and supportive person, just like the one B was looking for as a life partner. In a way B finds it charming and surprising from a person like A who is so careless when it comes to A's own emotion. B finds it irresistible and starts liking A even more. B being dreamy about life, starts expecting a lot from A and builds a whole dreamland around A in no time.

Time passes by. A and B grows into loving each other. Slowly they get to know each other more and more. Soon enough they become inseparable from each other. They can't think about staying away from each other even for a while. But unfortunately the charming mystery is gone from B. A gets busy with other things and shows not much interest in B's life. And there is very little room for B in A's life. B turns into a boring daily routine in A's life. At least that's what it looks like.

But B is still same. Still longing for A to spend time together like before. B gets tough time to cope up with this change in life. Just when B thought its gonna be the end of a lonely life, it takes a new turn. And back to square one. This adds to the other stress and sadness of B already had.

A starts finding that B is being nagging, irritating and so boring. Every time B feels hurt for some reason, A finds it's the B who is being "dramatic" and "irrational". A takes it as ego clash when it comes to apologizing even when B is all down and says how hurting it is. And A even makes it look like as if A didn't play any part on that hurt and its B who is over-reacting. A even doesn't realize that B might just needs A's love and care at that moment and its not about winning over some ego and saying sorry is not going to make A degrading and that its not a game.

Not realizing anything A goes distant. The issue remains unsolved. The hurt goes deeper.

For that very reason when A comes back with fresh attention B is still hurt and sad. B can't forget how A reacted before. B still needs a loving touch and a voice saying that it was not B's fault that B is hurt and B is not making up stories to hurt A's ego. And this disappoints A. Same story repeats.

Meanwhile B wonders what went wrong. But there is no answer. Every time when B starts asking questions A finds it even more irritating and walks away. B thinks about the times when A feels hurt for some reason how B says sorry easily. So now B can't figure out why A can't say sorry. From where the ego game is coming? What wrong has happened from B's side? B doesn't know how to be mysterious again. B doesn't know if the charm is really gone.

And All these questions, answers still matters because B still likes A. And there are chances that A might still likes B even though not as much as before.

If B also starts disliking A then there would be no need for solutions/advices. If both of the partners don't like each other that separation can be dealt. Because feelings are mutual. But if one of the partner still likes the other one then that hurts longer.

I have three options for B in my mind.
1. Play mind game,
- but how long that gonna last?
2. Leave it to the time.
- what if it gets worse?
3. Move on and Find C/D/E/F/G/.../Z.
- But same thing can happen again.

And for A I have only one thing to say.
Just stop taking B for granted. And have the guts to take responsibility for the things/person matters to you. You are not a kid any more.



Readers, what do you suggest for A and B?

My Brother

I was six-seven years old. My best friend, my maternal uncle left India for higher studies to Russia. And then my grandfather(his father) died with cancer very same year. Though my grand father's house was so far from my house and I could only go once in a while to visit them, still I started feeling so lonely. Couldn't deal with two separation. I missed them so much that I wished I had a brother. I remember I used to write letters to god saying “Oh God! Please give me a brother”. At that age I believed there was a god who would listen to my wish. I didn’t spare any note book I came across; I even didn’t spare my grandpa’s(father's father) medical prescription pad. That was the only time I ever asked for something or someone so desperately. I remember I used to search inside every pillow for a baby brother, I thought I might find him inside someday. I didn’t know where else he could be hiding. I knew for sure I have a brother somewhere hiding from me.

Then it was my 9^th birthday approaching. I was holding my best birthday gift in my life. He was the greatest gift I could ever get. I was holding my baby brother in my arms. I can still feel the joy I felt that day and then ever after. Nothing can beat that. I was holding my life. All of a sudden I grew up. I felt like a mother, elder sister, I felt like an adult. And from that day my life changed.

Life was like a song, life was like a dance in the rain. I never felt any need of any friend after having him around. We sang together, we danced together, we fought a lot, we tore each other apart, and then again we laughed our guts out over some silly reason. We completed each other’s sentence. We knew what was the other person thinking without even asking.

Spending few moments with each other talking or fighting, used to ease our daily life stress. We never needed any stress buster. At least I never needed. Every night we had our chatting session. There was times when brother used to act a whole cartoon show if I missed any. Sometime I thought it was a torture to watch that whole crazy thing. Imagine I had to watch him acting a whole episode of Mr. Bean. But now those are the good memories I cherish. He filled my life with all the colors.

Now, when I think of my life back I feel so desperate urge to go back and live those years again which I spent at home with my brother. If I close my eyes I can still see his tiny little fingers holding my finger, his rosy cheeks and lips glowing with a bright smile, his giggle, his baby talk in an alien language, or he is throwing his legs in the air with joy, or he is crying for some reason. I loved to watch him all the while. I watched him growing into a little man.

When I try to find any meaning of my life, any reason for what I should be alive, I always find him. If not for anything or anyone else I can even live thousands of painful years just because of him. I miss him a lot. I miss being at home. I miss us talking nonsense for hours. I miss we run to our grandpa together. I miss our winter, summer, spring, autumn, the whole year together. Oh how I miss living with him.

And now, I again feel lonely here living thousands of miles away from him. I feel depressed and stressed and I see there is no medicine or no entertainment or no stress buster can cure me. And this time I know for sure he is not hiding from me, it’s me who left him at home.

Escapade

When you have too much of something in your reach you tend to feel greedy and want more of it. You start expecting more and more from it. Soon you start feeling insecure and unreasonable. It is really not easy to have control over what you want all the time. So it is normal to feel this way. Specially when the source is so stable and reliable that even you might start taking it for granted sometime.

Same happens with love. First you fall in love. You find yourself hopelessly in love. Then you build your world around it. You start expecting that your journey to the end won't be so lonely anymore. You often start feeling that this is what you were waiting for all your life. You start building your own dreamland without even thinking that this might not be the other person is expecting from life. Or may be both are expecting same things from life but in different way. May be your meaning of living life is completely different from each other. There it falls apart.

And then when you realise you can't have it the way you want it, you can accept it at once and move on or you can just cry over it for sometime, like a child. But at the end you will have to accept it. Life teaches us its' lessons anyway. There is absolutely no way you can bunk the class.

Now when you face the truth that you will have to accept the truth what do you do?

I start feeling pity for myself. I feel hurt. I feel sad for myself. I even cry for being such a mess. I criticise myself like an enemy should. I feel angry for being so weak and dependent on others. And at the end I accept the truth.

But this is really very negative way to deal with hurt. Is there any way to minimise the hurt? There is, may be. I am still trying to find the way, the Escapade from hurt and self-criticism.