Wednesday, April 18, 2007

My life at large

People say I am weird, impractical, unrealistic. I agree with them. They say I am stupid enough to live in my dreamland. I agree again. But when they say I should be practical, wise and behave like a grown up I don't agree. Why should I change myself? What will I get if I change myself? Won't I lose all the happiness I get by dreaming. What will I get here in real world? Hatred, stress, dirty power game, and enough frustrations of getting old? I don't need them.

You can call me hopelessly romantic. I agree. Life is all about romanticism for me. They say I am not professional. Well I don't want to be. If leaving all the romanticism and always running after success is professinalism I don't want to be a professional. Success may give you ego boost but never can give you that kind of happiness which I get from watching the moon. Or watching the glittering lake water in the afternoon. Or even watching the kissing birds. Can anything else give me that level of pleasure?

The way I want to live my life seems weird to others. I wish I stay awake all night watching the moon, twinkling stars, darkness. I feel I am a part of it. I feel most comfortable in darkness of the night. I hate sunlight, how rough it is on my eyes. In darkness all my senses starts working, I feel, I touch, I smell, I taste, I see. Yes I see too. I see the world more beautiful in darkness, more peaceful, more romantic. I taste the sweetness of cold dark night. I kiss to feel the bliss. I kiss dark night.

What's wrong there if I wish to have a long walk at late night? What's wrong if I wish to fly through the road in the middle of a jungle on a bike. Alas I can't ride it myself. Wish I was big enough for a bike. LOL. To be happy I need to do weird things. Normal things makes me bored enough. The life of Tarzan fascinates me. I wish I could live like him. But I am so much habituated with this mechanic world that I won't be able to live that way either.

When I miss my bus I wish I could jump like Spider Man. And I jump. Jump at the top of the bus and then slide inside. People get scared though. But I can't help. When I see birds preaching I wish I could understand their language. And then I talk to them. But most of the time they get scared and fly away. Poor me, still not good enough to talk their language. Once I asked a squirrel that why he is always in a hurry. He said he is too busy to answer a human. Sad! I wish I was not a human.

Since I'm already a human I can't help all these but I can dream. Whenever I wish. One day I wish to live in a small white beach house in a lonely island full of trees and hills far away from this real world, where all my dreams will come true. Till then I keep dreaming. Please don't wake me up. I don't want to miss a single moment of my life.


Isn't this old night so nice
I hope you can feel what I feel tonight
Little boy's not getting it right
Trying so hard with all his might
Clouds in the sky keeping the sun away
Doesn't mean the sun isn't shining today
Seems something's always in your way
You've got a wide, wide array
Of insurmountable problems every day

Slip away, slide away
Into dreamland
Slip away, slide away
Into dream, dreamland

In your own private place of dreams
I hope you'll find a place where it seems
The road is always straight and true
Wherever you walk is bright for you
I hope you'll remember these times we share
Hope you'll find some comfort there
In the meantime lose your cares
You can go anywhere, close your eyes and it will take you there

Slip away, slide away
Into dreamland

Gonna cherish my time with you
Gonna smile, smile the whole world day through
Wake up tomorrow maybe you'll find
Darkness gone from your mind
Want you to be what you want to be
Don't want you to ever hurt like me
Smiling through the saddest times
Could only happen in dreams
I wonder is it as nice as it seems

Slip away, slide away
Into dreamland

Maybe you'll get your wishes in dreams this night
Because I can't seems to do it here in real life

Mayhe you'll get your wishes in dreams this night
Because I can't seem to help you here in real life

Friday, April 13, 2007

Someday may be...

Someday I will sleep... Sleep in peace... Will sleep in your arms... The warmth I need, the peace I need, I know its there in your arms... And only in your arms... I will hide there from this crazy outside world forever...

And then your kiss will touch my forehead... the bliss of your love will run through my each and every vein... I will sense it in my blood... Sense you inside of me...

And then You will embrace me with your loving arms... I will hold you more close to me... and then I will sleep... a peaceful sleep...

My quest of love, quest of life will end there in your arms.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I am pissed

Today I'm feeling very pissed. Nothing seems satisfying to me now. Specially my career.

Lately I am feeling I'm not happy with my job anymore. Well office environment is fine, and so my boss/best friend. Actually I am stuck here for him only. He supported me with job when I was facing so much trouble in my personal and professional life. But I'm not learning much from my work anymore. Sometimes I even feel I am not going to right direction many be. I love my job which is creative but I couldn't make it success yet. Like I made many designs while I'm working with Sandy but most of them got rejected. I felt so depressed at times. But that was ok. It's a process of learning and developing my skill I know.

But still something is missing I feel. I wish I knew what it is. Here I will try to figure out the reasons...

1. Long hours of travelling makes me sick mentally/physically.

I gotta travel for long hours everyday to reach my office which is very frustrating. Like someday after work I might feel like to hit my home and relax but no luck with me. Can't reach home before the distance kills me for 2 hours everyday. Or else when I start with fresh mind from home for work in the morning the journey ditches my mood. I am pissed when I reach office. Well that's life now. And the worst is the quickest bus/route I could take makes me wait for 1 hour sometimes. Hell!!!

2. The sight of few of my colleagues irritates me to death.

I agree this is the story everywhere. But I worked with others before. No one could make me this sick yet. But I'm so unfortunate I sit beside them only and I gotta interact with them everyday. I feel sick whenever I think of them.
("Give me a break please" *Cries out loud* )
Problem is I can't stand stupid people. And these people are worst than that. And not only stupid but they are sick actually.

3. Not being able to learn from my senior.

I feel bored with my job when I don't learn anything. And its also boring when all you got to learn yourself. I prefer learning others ideas rather than copy pasting from net. And I don't have anyone here for that matter. I learn a lot from Sandy but he is not a designer either. I need to be with other designers to learn.

4. The space at my office.

I always prefer to work/study in a corner or some place where no one can disturb me. But I sit just in the middle of everyone at office. Which sometimes drives me crazy. I hate people interrupting me in the middle of my work giving me lecture on what color I should use, which design is better than this blah blah blah. Come on man... why don't you design then? Take my sit. I challenge you I will do your job given a chance and time i.e. programming, only that I don't like them at all else I have full confidence on my brain. But you can't become a designer all of a sudden dear. Get a life.

5. My hippie nature.

I don't like to stay anywhere for long. It makes me feel depressed and bored. I guess that's silly but can't really help it. I am like this only. Always.

6. Didn't get a long holiday since long.

Every time I planned for it something ruined it. So no luck with me I feel. I need to cut up from everything for at least 7 days I feel. And catch up some reading, music, movies to refresh my mind.

So these are few reasons I could figure out right at this moment.

Some solutions I could think of right now.

1. Change of job.

I doubt on that. I need to handle my home front(mum's operation) now so I guess it will be trouble for me to change my job at this moment.

2. Change the city.

Same like above.

3. Learn something new related to my work or something else.

I guess that would work but I lack the time.

4. Shift to some pg near to my office.

Impossible. reason is same like 1., 2.

I wish to get some changes in my life soon. Else it will be all messy again I feel.

Now my personal life.

Mum is going to go for surgery soon. Then I have to manage a hell lot of things. And considering my office hours I am scared thinking how I will do it. I am not used to with all this house keeping and all. I realise now how hectic it is for mum, and how she has been doing it all these years. It is not easy to be a mother. Specially when your hubby is like an immature kid. That's the main problem you know. I am horrified thinking how I will manage it all alone.

Anyways... that's life again. I will face it too. But the clash between my personal life and professional life is going to be worst among all.

Well... I'm all game for it now. Lets face it too Dear Life.