To you...

I sit here idle, playing and browsing.
I look dull and lost.
We are having our time and space.
But you know what,
I listen to you playing your guitar,
singing softly with such a grace.
And then I skip a breathe or two.
Every time I listen to you,
It sweeps me off my feet,
takes me to cloud nine.
I fall in love over and over again.
And I feel bliss,
Knowing that you are mine.

Hum Tum

The eternal rivalry, Man vs Women.
Just few things suddenly came up in my mind. Jotting it down. Some might find it funny, some might find it offensive and say I am taking girl's side. May be. And I will take guy's side also. But right now Ladies first.

----------------------------

She: Hey, try this shirt. Does it fit?
He: Yeah, seems so.
She: Cool. It's for ur bday.
He: wow, great. Love u!

She: Oye, where is my bday gift haan?
He: Umm, I couldn't decide even after thinking a lot. But why are you being so materialistic?
She: Ok, then buy me a rose.
He: huh! what crap!

---------------------------

She: Lets go somewhere and let us call it an official date. We didn't go for dating for long. I miss those good old days.
He: Huh! How kiddish. I am very busy love.

He's friend: Hey man, what you doing? Lets have some beer together sometime. I miss those good old days.
He: Yeah sure, lets go! Anytime for you man!

----------------------------

1am:
She: Lets watch a movie tonight.
He: Sure, great!

3am:
She: Lets make love.
He: Sure, Great, I am always ready for it.

12am:
She: Lets talk about our relationship, our future, and marriage.
He: What Shit! Can't you see I'm so tired? Don't you have heart. You know I have been working whole day and I need to get up in the morning also.
She: Why are you being so rude? And whats your problem in talking about our relationship?
He: Me rude? You are over-reacting. You are melodramatic. Go see a doc.

___________

Well... That's all for now. :P

It's time

Life is delusional, a mesmerizing trap. We often lose track of time and we lose ourselves too. And then the time comes to collect the pieces and move on.

Now it's time again. Time to move on. Now I'll have to search for my soul. The disturbing part about this time is that while I was too busy fooling around with life, pleasing others, trying to impress others, I lost my soul too.

Once I find my soul back it's time to start a new life. A new life with good old me. All of my life I have been busy thinking and caring about others. It always has been others success, others happiness, others life, what the other one is thinking about me, where I stand in others life and little I thought about myself.

But enough now.

From now on it's my life. I would live it on my own. I am not going to give up my life for someone else. Let them think what they want to think. I don't need to change myself for someone who has little respect for me being me. I realized I can't change their opinion about me even if I die right in front of them saying how much they mean to me and how much I sacrificed for them.

They could see only if they had spared some time from their busy schedule of criticizing me, judging me and dissecting my every action. I can't change them and their habits.

I accept myself as the way I am. That's first step to be contented. I changed myself for nothing. Now I will go back to myself again.

I love myself. I love others too. But without "I" the love has no value.

Relationships in reality : It is so hard to say sorry

In reality, close-intimate relationship is not all about LOVE. It's more about LIKE. You can still love a person whom you don't like much. For example, in our teens we never like our parents but we still love them. But if you don't Like a person you are probably going to go away from that person or grow apart sooner or later.

We love most of our friends we make in our life. But we like few of them far more than others. They become best friends. And these likings are based on some trait, nature, or just something unknown we find in that particular person. Looks also play a big part in it. Not necessarily that the special person or that friend needs to be prince charming or beauty queen, but surely that person needs to have something special which might only we can see. It could be even something which doesn't exist in real life or in that person. It could be imaginary. And when we like that person we can do anything for that person/friend. Negative part of this liking is that sometime it feds away with time.

A person might still love his/her gf/bf a lot but he/she might not like her/him as much as he/she used to. And when you don't like the person much, the first thing which becomes so tough for you is to say sorry to that person when needed. And everything turns bitter.

Let us see a situation.

A and B likes each other a lot. They love to spend time with each other. Almost all the time they are together. A likes that B is a bit mysterious and B has lot of pain inside hiding which B never shares with others but when A shows interest in those things B allows that. Eventually B starts sharing those pains with A. So A is always there for B whenever B is vulnerable and sad because that makes A feel important. B finds A is most caring, loving and supportive person, just like the one B was looking for as a life partner. In a way B finds it charming and surprising from a person like A who is so careless when it comes to A's own emotion. B finds it irresistible and starts liking A even more. B being dreamy about life, starts expecting a lot from A and builds a whole dreamland around A in no time.

Time passes by. A and B grows into loving each other. Slowly they get to know each other more and more. Soon enough they become inseparable from each other. They can't think about staying away from each other even for a while. But unfortunately the charming mystery is gone from B. A gets busy with other things and shows not much interest in B's life. And there is very little room for B in A's life. B turns into a boring daily routine in A's life. At least that's what it looks like.

But B is still same. Still longing for A to spend time together like before. B gets tough time to cope up with this change in life. Just when B thought its gonna be the end of a lonely life, it takes a new turn. And back to square one. This adds to the other stress and sadness of B already had.

A starts finding that B is being nagging, irritating and so boring. Every time B feels hurt for some reason, A finds it's the B who is being "dramatic" and "irrational". A takes it as ego clash when it comes to apologizing even when B is all down and says how hurting it is. And A even makes it look like as if A didn't play any part on that hurt and its B who is over-reacting. A even doesn't realize that B might just needs A's love and care at that moment and its not about winning over some ego and saying sorry is not going to make A degrading and that its not a game.

Not realizing anything A goes distant. The issue remains unsolved. The hurt goes deeper.

For that very reason when A comes back with fresh attention B is still hurt and sad. B can't forget how A reacted before. B still needs a loving touch and a voice saying that it was not B's fault that B is hurt and B is not making up stories to hurt A's ego. And this disappoints A. Same story repeats.

Meanwhile B wonders what went wrong. But there is no answer. Every time when B starts asking questions A finds it even more irritating and walks away. B thinks about the times when A feels hurt for some reason how B says sorry easily. So now B can't figure out why A can't say sorry. From where the ego game is coming? What wrong has happened from B's side? B doesn't know how to be mysterious again. B doesn't know if the charm is really gone.

And All these questions, answers still matters because B still likes A. And there are chances that A might still likes B even though not as much as before.

If B also starts disliking A then there would be no need for solutions/advices. If both of the partners don't like each other that separation can be dealt. Because feelings are mutual. But if one of the partner still likes the other one then that hurts longer.

I have three options for B in my mind.
1. Play mind game,
- but how long that gonna last?
2. Leave it to the time.
- what if it gets worse?
3. Move on and Find C/D/E/F/G/.../Z.
- But same thing can happen again.

And for A I have only one thing to say.
Just stop taking B for granted. And have the guts to take responsibility for the things/person matters to you. You are not a kid any more.



Readers, what do you suggest for A and B?

My Brother

I was six-seven years old. My best friend, my maternal uncle left India for higher studies to Russia. And then my grandfather(his father) died with cancer very same year. Though my grand father's house was so far from my house and I could only go once in a while to visit them, still I started feeling so lonely. Couldn't deal with two separation. I missed them so much that I wished I had a brother. I remember I used to write letters to god saying “Oh God! Please give me a brother”. At that age I believed there was a god who would listen to my wish. I didn’t spare any note book I came across; I even didn’t spare my grandpa’s(father's father) medical prescription pad. That was the only time I ever asked for something or someone so desperately. I remember I used to search inside every pillow for a baby brother, I thought I might find him inside someday. I didn’t know where else he could be hiding. I knew for sure I have a brother somewhere hiding from me.

Then it was my 9^th birthday approaching. I was holding my best birthday gift in my life. He was the greatest gift I could ever get. I was holding my baby brother in my arms. I can still feel the joy I felt that day and then ever after. Nothing can beat that. I was holding my life. All of a sudden I grew up. I felt like a mother, elder sister, I felt like an adult. And from that day my life changed.

Life was like a song, life was like a dance in the rain. I never felt any need of any friend after having him around. We sang together, we danced together, we fought a lot, we tore each other apart, and then again we laughed our guts out over some silly reason. We completed each other’s sentence. We knew what was the other person thinking without even asking.

Spending few moments with each other talking or fighting, used to ease our daily life stress. We never needed any stress buster. At least I never needed. Every night we had our chatting session. There was times when brother used to act a whole cartoon show if I missed any. Sometime I thought it was a torture to watch that whole crazy thing. Imagine I had to watch him acting a whole episode of Mr. Bean. But now those are the good memories I cherish. He filled my life with all the colors.

Now, when I think of my life back I feel so desperate urge to go back and live those years again which I spent at home with my brother. If I close my eyes I can still see his tiny little fingers holding my finger, his rosy cheeks and lips glowing with a bright smile, his giggle, his baby talk in an alien language, or he is throwing his legs in the air with joy, or he is crying for some reason. I loved to watch him all the while. I watched him growing into a little man.

When I try to find any meaning of my life, any reason for what I should be alive, I always find him. If not for anything or anyone else I can even live thousands of painful years just because of him. I miss him a lot. I miss being at home. I miss us talking nonsense for hours. I miss we run to our grandpa together. I miss our winter, summer, spring, autumn, the whole year together. Oh how I miss living with him.

And now, I again feel lonely here living thousands of miles away from him. I feel depressed and stressed and I see there is no medicine or no entertainment or no stress buster can cure me. And this time I know for sure he is not hiding from me, it’s me who left him at home.

Escapade

When you have too much of something in your reach you tend to feel greedy and want more of it. You start expecting more and more from it. Soon you start feeling insecure and unreasonable. It is really not easy to have control over what you want all the time. So it is normal to feel this way. Specially when the source is so stable and reliable that even you might start taking it for granted sometime.

Same happens with love. First you fall in love. You find yourself hopelessly in love. Then you build your world around it. You start expecting that your journey to the end won't be so lonely anymore. You often start feeling that this is what you were waiting for all your life. You start building your own dreamland without even thinking that this might not be the other person is expecting from life. Or may be both are expecting same things from life but in different way. May be your meaning of living life is completely different from each other. There it falls apart.

And then when you realise you can't have it the way you want it, you can accept it at once and move on or you can just cry over it for sometime, like a child. But at the end you will have to accept it. Life teaches us its' lessons anyway. There is absolutely no way you can bunk the class.

Now when you face the truth that you will have to accept the truth what do you do?

I start feeling pity for myself. I feel hurt. I feel sad for myself. I even cry for being such a mess. I criticise myself like an enemy should. I feel angry for being so weak and dependent on others. And at the end I accept the truth.

But this is really very negative way to deal with hurt. Is there any way to minimise the hurt? There is, may be. I am still trying to find the way, the Escapade from hurt and self-criticism.

Love, one of a kind

"You are the most irritating person I have ever seen in my life, you know that?"

"Oh gawd! you are such a kid, what I'm gonna do with this grown up kid?"

"You sicko! how many times I am gonna ask you to slow down and ride steady in this fucking traffic? I was almost dead. Damn you boy!"

"How can someone forget such things? And how can you be so careless? Hell!"

The list will go on and on.

Hang on, there is a twist.

No matter how much I swear, how much I yell, how much I fight, there is no escape. I love you even more everyday. Its growing like a giant turning my whole world upside down. I am totally drowned into you Man.

When I think about the most beautiful ocean in this world, I end up looking into your eyes.
When I think about the most beautiful waterfall in this world, I remember your laughter.
When I try to find an earthly comparison of the lovely moonlight, I see your smile.
When I try to find the most secured place in this world, I find it in your arms.
When I imagine a perfect or imperfect world of mine, I see that's not complete without you.
And whenever I try to think of love, kindness, care, affection, happiness, I think of you.
And every time at the end I find that I love you.

I was looking out for love everywhere around me. I was completely unaware of what I already got inside my heart for a long time. I was so tired of all these hide-n-seek games. And now, when I realize it was you and only you I was looking for all my life, all of my running around makes sense. It was worth it. Some price should be paid to have the priceless gift of life. I love everything about you.

But then...

"Where the hell were you for so many years? Couldn't you come into my life a bit early, you lazybone!"

P.S: My quest of love, quest of life ends here right beside you.

Blow a kiss, laugh out loud and goodbye to teardrops

We have all at some point in our lives had relationships with people who are negative, needy, or maybe even pessimistic. Such characters are often very good at keeping attention and energy focused on themselves. Those of us who strive to keep a positive outlook on life are especially vulnerable to these kind of people because such relationships can leave us feeling drained and depleted.

I have experienced it many times with people even who are closest to me. I had tough time dealing with them. I felt miserable thinking about their situations and mine. I wished I could solve their problems, I wished I could help them. I felt helpless at times. But slowly I realised that in most of the cases it's not that they are having tough time in their life but it's because they love feeling miserable about things they can't or won't change. Then I stopped trying to heal or help them. It's not possible to help someone if someone doesn't want to help him/herself. I have seen people love to cry over some issues for years, sometime whole life but they are not willing to change it. My point is what's the use of crying over something which you can solve by just moving on. Sometime I find myself stuck in same pattern and I feel angry on myself thinking that I fall in the same group.

May be people love to feel miserable over some issue and blame that issue for all the misery in their life and feel good. For me the best solution is when you are alone and feeling terrible, shed some tears and then move on. But telling others about the tragedy in your life for hours and sulk or behave rude with others and then give excuse that your mood is bad because you have so much problems in your life is totally bullshit. Cut the crap man! Everyone has their problems and that's the reason we are here alive, to solve the problems in our life and help others. So why to punish others about something they are not responsible for?

When I was in school I read one wonderful phrase somewhere. "jibontake knede bhashanor chaite heshe urano bhalo(Its better to blow your life with laughter than flooding with tears)". I try to follow it. Whenever I am with people I try to laugh. I hardly can count who has seen me crying. But I have seen many. More than I can count.

And an other point is there. If you have so many negative people around you and you interact with them regularly you tend to feel the same way. So stop giving attention to those people more than they deserve. I am not saying you just dump them and go but keep a balance if you feel that they are harming your own stability. And also take care of not becoming one of them and make your close ones life hell by being negative and needy one.

I have been listening to other's problems since I am a kid. The elders, I hate them for making me a victim about their mental pattern. Since then I find problem in everything, I sulk a lot about something negative around me, specially the things I can't change. But I didn't realise that I have also become one of them somehow. Though I don't sit and cry or make people listen to my problems but I complain a lot. How irritating it can be I know. I need to check my habit of complaining urgently. My brother told me about this bad habit of mine long back. Though he is 9 yrs younger than me but still he is much mature than me in many things. But I didn't care about what he was telling me at that time.

I have stopped being a "good listener" lately. If people think I have turned bad and selfish then let that be. I can't play it anymore. Someone (closest and The special one) made me realise that I need to first keep myself sane and emotionaly healthy then only I can help others. I am thankful to him for helping me and listening to my problems. He understood that most of my emotional problems are due to my miserable friends, relatives and their problems. And I took his advise positively and working on it. Now I feel much better.

I want to blow kisses, laughter and baloons now. Goodbye to floody, soggy emotions.

Long gap

Its been long I didn't post anything in my blog. Nearly 6 months, such a long time. Have been busy with everything else offline. Life has changed, seasons also, a lot. Grown older, mature and wise.

But still one thing didn't change in my life. I still didn't learn to live without my brother. LOL... I would never learn. Neither I want to.

Well, right now after a long gap I am confused about what should I write here. So it would take some time to fill the gaps and fill the pages with my thoughts. Didn't feel like writing for so long here.

Will come back soon. Here.

Journey of an acrophobic

My travel gene finally got its share of pleasure. This Christmas I spent at Kodaikanal, a hill station in Tamilnadu. 12 hours journey by car with other 5 travel-freaks. It was awesome.
9:30 p.m. 24th Dec, we started from Bangalore. I was not so excited since the thought of sitting in the car for 12hrs was making me sick. I was worried about how I will control my nature-calls till that long. LOL. And then slowly I forgot my worries because I always like long drives at night. I was more concentrating in discovering the darkness outside. I was sitting in the middle. Wish I had got any of the corner seats. It was very cold also so I didn’t mind much. I remembered I still couldn’t get film role for my analog camera. (I am old-fashioned still). Though I have camera on my cell phone.
It was my mom’s birthday also. I missed being with my family.

It was almost morning and I was half-asleep. Don’t remember when we exchanged seats. I was sitting on the right window. Was trying to open up my eyes for so long seeing some sign of hills in the far away sky-line, but all in vain. My neck was paining also. And then I let myself sleep more. Suddenly my eyes were open and I saw the huge giant was just in front of our car, Nilgiri hills. We started climbing and I shouted “finally”. And then I realised how much I was waiting for this trip, how much I was waiting for some mountain to climb up and explore. Since childhood I always preferred sea over mountain but lately I developed admiration for hills also.

A giant to be explored, holding so many secrets inside; so silent, yet telling so many tales. Never comes to you, yet waits for you to go and talk to it. Pretends to be so serious like an old man, yet full of life like a child. That's mountain.

I finally managed to wake myself up and get lost in the nature. The view was awesome. We could see the waterfalls, lake, and small small towns like toys. The mountains were revealing themselves from the blankets of fog and clouds slowly. The different shades of green, the deep blue sky and the white cloud art in the sky... Romantic!!! that is the word came in my mind. Can’t help being a die-hard romantic. Sudden tinny streams were coming down from the cracks of the rocks and drenching the road. Sometime the signs of recent landslides were appearing.

It was fucking scary for me. I am an acrophobic and I have very awful balance as I feel. I even can fall in plain just like that. I don't need any reason to fall. So I was scared of falling there also. And it almost took my breathe away to look down. and took my breathe away in other sense also. It was so fucking beautiful! I felt I have seen heaven there. One Irish guy we met there who has been living there for almost last 10yrs. Where he stays really looked like a heaven to me and his comfortable movements/walk through the edge of the hill(even through the steep edges) made me skip my heartbeats. Phew. But still I would go back there again I think.

Didn't realise when the trip was over. Freaking cold, awsome homemade chocolates, amaging foods, wild nature... all made me spellbound. I was so lost in it. The sky acted like a painter, changed its graphics every second and played with clouds all the while. Even at night it continued to play the game. While coming back and down it was fullmoon night. The city/villages down there formed a diamond necklace and the lake looked like a mirror to the sky.

And something else formed there in the trip, a bonding. Something started changing my life, may be forever. It left me confused and somewhat happy. But that's a different story. Tell you some other time.

To the special

I remember you in my dreams,
you are sitting behind me, yet so far.
Then from your back I embrace you,
and something in your ears I mutter.

You can hear it if you ever just try,
that I say how special you are for me.
Knowing you don't need it from me I cry,
But still I wish you get everything in your life
and your Bee.

Sparrow, sad sparrow!!!

"Sparrow: I am just trying to keep this conversation alive... I always did... coz I know if I ever stop doing it we are never going to talk again...
Wild bird: I think so"


"Sparrow: hmmm... so we will never see each other again... right? :P

Wild bird: well i think so

Sparrow: u r too blunt

Wild bird: i am always like that

aint i?"
.........................................
Sparrow:ok... i will leave u alone from now... will leave it upto u... if u ever feel like to talk buzz me...
Wild bird: enjoy... as u wish...
Sparrow: do u think it was my wish?
Wild bird: i don't know
Sparrow: u will never know....
.....................................................
Sparrow: but i wonder why i leave all my ego when its u... if it was someone else i wouldn't have talked again :((
Wild bird: well and i wonder why i don't leave my ego when i talk with u:P"


Sparrow never understood why wild bird needed to be like that. She kept trying till she could keep this friendship alive. The wild bird was not like this always. They have spent hours chatting online, writing poems, sometime arguing. But things are changed after they met in real. She wondered why. She thought he might need space from everyone for a while and might be having some personal problem. But she found he talks nicely with everyone else but her. And then she reached the heights of her patience.

She stopped buzzing him. She left him alone in peace since she felt he is no more willing to keep this friendship. Sparrow hardly mattered to him, so her friendship. Stupid sparrow!!!

And then, they never talked again.

Thirteen "Thoughts"

1. Everyone seems in a need for space from me. Never thought I do bother people so much. So I stopped talking to them almost. Hope they are happy with their space. But if they come complaining that I forgot them or being so selfish to not to remember them they will have my cold shoulder this time. I always keep in touch(always did) but that doesn't mean they can take me for granted.

2. Whatever I try to grab or check seems to slip from my hand/grip. Be it a materialistic thing or relationship.

3. I need my own space. I miss my home.

4. Life is strange.

5. I met 'little bit of love' here in bangalore finally. We couldn't be good friends. Actually I couldn't be his. He was always a special friend of mine. Wish him all the best for his life.

6. Someone who was there in my life for a quite long time in virtual world, this time he is in my real life now. Things are turning crazy. I am losing grip or loving to float with it I don't know. I believe everything has an end so my only wish is that it should be a good ending.

7. Am I growing up finally? I am changing a lot from within. Turning matured.

8. Lots of provocation here. Materialistic, physical. I am learning to live with it.

9. I will never learn to not to miss my brother much. I will never learn to live far from him.

10. Falling in love is so hard for me now. Love was never around me, near to me. I am tired waiting.

11. I don't like to get drenched in bangalore rain. To soothe first you need a burn.

12. I understand the accents of english songs easily now.

13. I believe we can only be there where we could be, where we should be and where we are supposed to be. Everything happens for some reason.

My traveler gene and dancing shoes

Its not even 2 months I am here and I already know places, bus routes, hang out areas, shopping malls, discs, streets, few bus conductor, driver by their faces. Quite fast I am. Even more than that I know trees on my way to office already. We girls at PG hang out here a lot. Or just chat till late. And we all have increasing desire for traveling to different places in near future. We make up plans for them and then finally go to sleep frustrated knowing its not happening so early.

After canceling few trips we 3 from my room( I share my room with other 2 girls... one just graduated and the other one on her final year) decided to go to wonder la(www.wonderla.com) on that saturday. The graduated one (J) told us that it has craziest rides we have ever seen. I was excited so much. And the other girl (R) most probably was bit tensed since she never have any experience of any kind of rides in her life. So finally we reached. The trip was expensive though, but we enjoyed a lot. And as expected R was literally crying for her life everytime she tried any ride. LOL. Most of the time we couldn't see each other's face so didn't know how exactly she was feeling. But when she sat beside me on some open ride then I saw her face. I was laughing out loud. Else I was screaming my lungs out with joy. It felt really great. J is like me. She was with me in all the rides.

Then after coming back we had terrible body pain. That was awful but was worth it. But I was yet not out of my energy. Next day in the afternoon I went to visit Laalbag. Walked for hours in sun there. I loved the lake. And then at night went to disc. Danced till late like maniac. Don't know from where I get all the energies. LOL. But yes... next day I was running out of proper sleep and rest so fell sick a bit. Had to take leave from office.

Seems I became party animal for a while. Became a regular visitor at disk. Have been partying so much lately. Got introduced to a salsa dance-class group and by now we are also considered among them. These guys are really nice and decent people. Always thought party animals are not so good kind. But I was wrong. I love to dance so I love to be there at disc though I don't like much noise. But its ok for once in a while. As long as its not harming my health or work. Among all the discs I love Fuga most though it's the most unhealthy place, because firstly that's the place where for the first time I danced with that group. Secondly I love the coziness of the back corner of Fuga.

Anyways, I love my aching feet making moves continuously be it walking or dancing. I love my freedom.

Life at bangalore!

I have been away from my blog for a real long time. And there are lot of changes in my life I made. I spent all these days preparing for the changes and finally I am happy with it. Changed the job and city and that makes a lots of differences. I have been feeling very pissed and drained about my life so I badly needed the change.

Well, I am in bangalore now. The most wornderful weather I can expect in India. Everyone must be knowing it well whoever has visited this city. And who doesn't know I will suggest him/her to come here once at least. The city is green, romantic and calm by nature. People are mixed as it's a cosmo city now. Different language, different people but yet I don't feel much difference. It feels nice to explore this city everyday. Within 2 months of stay here I have travelled a lot, walked a lot to different places and I found this city is small enough.

Talking about people here, I found local people are a bit weird in nature. May be they are just different that's why I feel like this. I had bad experiences here too but that's not new to me.

I better make some list of things which I liked and disliked about this city. That will be easy for me to express.

Things I liked :
1. Weather, greenery, breeze and everlasting spring. (I fell in love with it)
2. Buses. (travel everyday and believe me its faaar better than calcutta)
3. Music at pubs, disco. (actually got a group to enjoy there)
4. My roommates. (they r best)
5. My office colleagues. (my group and work culture can make u feel jealous)
6. My small space at the PG. (just like me... at the corner, distant from other things in the room yet very much exists among them)
7. The lake at lalbaag.
8. The evening walks.

(people who r wondering whts PG... its Paying Guest I mean)

Things I didn't like:
1. People at bus. (they are weird... they love to stand on people's head pressing their butts)
2. Things written in local language at bus, bus stop and having no translated form. (I often get confused man)
3. Oily food at PG though it always tastes good.
4. The indecent horny dog at PG.
5. Some girls at PG. (specially who bangs the toilet/bathroom door when I am using it.)
6. The road when it rains.(Bangalore is wavy at geographical nature so the water comes down like river through the road always)
7. Showing off people around. (My goodness they always dress like they are going to some party.)
8. Not much life other than going to pub, disc, shopping mall here.
9. People are not bothered about what is happening to other people around. All they can do is to give a stare.
10. Perverted guys are everywhere in this world. So can't blame much.(guys don't take personally)


But apart from all these I made friends here. I am enjoying everyday of my stay here. That's the most important thing.

(I started to write this post long back... now today(29th sept) somehow I finished it.)

My life at large

People say I am weird, impractical, unrealistic. I agree with them. They say I am stupid enough to live in my dreamland. I agree again. But when they say I should be practical, wise and behave like a grown up I don't agree. Why should I change myself? What will I get if I change myself? Won't I lose all the happiness I get by dreaming. What will I get here in real world? Hatred, stress, dirty power game, and enough frustrations of getting old? I don't need them.

You can call me hopelessly romantic. I agree. Life is all about romanticism for me. They say I am not professional. Well I don't want to be. If leaving all the romanticism and always running after success is professinalism I don't want to be a professional. Success may give you ego boost but never can give you that kind of happiness which I get from watching the moon. Or watching the glittering lake water in the afternoon. Or even watching the kissing birds. Can anything else give me that level of pleasure?

The way I want to live my life seems weird to others. I wish I stay awake all night watching the moon, twinkling stars, darkness. I feel I am a part of it. I feel most comfortable in darkness of the night. I hate sunlight, how rough it is on my eyes. In darkness all my senses starts working, I feel, I touch, I smell, I taste, I see. Yes I see too. I see the world more beautiful in darkness, more peaceful, more romantic. I taste the sweetness of cold dark night. I kiss to feel the bliss. I kiss dark night.

What's wrong there if I wish to have a long walk at late night? What's wrong if I wish to fly through the road in the middle of a jungle on a bike. Alas I can't ride it myself. Wish I was big enough for a bike. LOL. To be happy I need to do weird things. Normal things makes me bored enough. The life of Tarzan fascinates me. I wish I could live like him. But I am so much habituated with this mechanic world that I won't be able to live that way either.

When I miss my bus I wish I could jump like Spider Man. And I jump. Jump at the top of the bus and then slide inside. People get scared though. But I can't help. When I see birds preaching I wish I could understand their language. And then I talk to them. But most of the time they get scared and fly away. Poor me, still not good enough to talk their language. Once I asked a squirrel that why he is always in a hurry. He said he is too busy to answer a human. Sad! I wish I was not a human.

Since I'm already a human I can't help all these but I can dream. Whenever I wish. One day I wish to live in a small white beach house in a lonely island full of trees and hills far away from this real world, where all my dreams will come true. Till then I keep dreaming. Please don't wake me up. I don't want to miss a single moment of my life.

Dreamland

Isn't this old night so nice
I hope you can feel what I feel tonight
Little boy's not getting it right
Trying so hard with all his might
Clouds in the sky keeping the sun away
Doesn't mean the sun isn't shining today
Seems something's always in your way
You've got a wide, wide array
Of insurmountable problems every day


Slip away, slide away
Into dreamland
Slip away, slide away
Into dream, dreamland


In your own private place of dreams
I hope you'll find a place where it seems
The road is always straight and true
Wherever you walk is bright for you
I hope you'll remember these times we share
Hope you'll find some comfort there
In the meantime lose your cares
You can go anywhere, close your eyes and it will take you there


Slip away, slide away
Into dreamland


Gonna cherish my time with you
Gonna smile, smile the whole world day through
Wake up tomorrow maybe you'll find
Darkness gone from your mind
Want you to be what you want to be
Don't want you to ever hurt like me
Smiling through the saddest times
Could only happen in dreams
I wonder is it as nice as it seems


Slip away, slide away
Into dreamland


Maybe you'll get your wishes in dreams this night
Because I can't seems to do it here in real life


Mayhe you'll get your wishes in dreams this night
Because I can't seem to help you here in real life

Someday may be...

Someday I will sleep... Sleep in peace... Will sleep in your arms... The warmth I need, the peace I need, I know its there in your arms... And only in your arms... I will hide there from this crazy outside world forever...

And then your kiss will touch my forehead... the bliss of your love will run through my each and every vein... I will sense it in my blood... Sense you inside of me...

And then You will embrace me with your loving arms... I will hold you more close to me... and then I will sleep... a peaceful sleep...

My quest of love, quest of life will end there in your arms.

I am pissed

Today I'm feeling very pissed. Nothing seems satisfying to me now. Specially my career.

Lately I am feeling I'm not happy with my job anymore. Well office environment is fine, and so my boss/best friend. Actually I am stuck here for him only. He supported me with job when I was facing so much trouble in my personal and professional life. But I'm not learning much from my work anymore. Sometimes I even feel I am not going to right direction many be. I love my job which is creative but I couldn't make it success yet. Like I made many designs while I'm working with Sandy but most of them got rejected. I felt so depressed at times. But that was ok. It's a process of learning and developing my skill I know.

But still something is missing I feel. I wish I knew what it is. Here I will try to figure out the reasons...

1. Long hours of travelling makes me sick mentally/physically.

I gotta travel for long hours everyday to reach my office which is very frustrating. Like someday after work I might feel like to hit my home and relax but no luck with me. Can't reach home before the distance kills me for 2 hours everyday. Or else when I start with fresh mind from home for work in the morning the journey ditches my mood. I am pissed when I reach office. Well that's life now. And the worst is the quickest bus/route I could take makes me wait for 1 hour sometimes. Hell!!!

2. The sight of few of my colleagues irritates me to death.

I agree this is the story everywhere. But I worked with others before. No one could make me this sick yet. But I'm so unfortunate I sit beside them only and I gotta interact with them everyday. I feel sick whenever I think of them.
("Give me a break please" *Cries out loud* )
Problem is I can't stand stupid people. And these people are worst than that. And not only stupid but they are sick actually.

3. Not being able to learn from my senior.

I feel bored with my job when I don't learn anything. And its also boring when all you got to learn yourself. I prefer learning others ideas rather than copy pasting from net. And I don't have anyone here for that matter. I learn a lot from Sandy but he is not a designer either. I need to be with other designers to learn.

4. The space at my office.

I always prefer to work/study in a corner or some place where no one can disturb me. But I sit just in the middle of everyone at office. Which sometimes drives me crazy. I hate people interrupting me in the middle of my work giving me lecture on what color I should use, which design is better than this blah blah blah. Come on man... why don't you design then? Take my sit. I challenge you I will do your job given a chance and time i.e. programming, only that I don't like them at all else I have full confidence on my brain. But you can't become a designer all of a sudden dear. Get a life.

5. My hippie nature.

I don't like to stay anywhere for long. It makes me feel depressed and bored. I guess that's silly but can't really help it. I am like this only. Always.

6. Didn't get a long holiday since long.

Every time I planned for it something ruined it. So no luck with me I feel. I need to cut up from everything for at least 7 days I feel. And catch up some reading, music, movies to refresh my mind.


So these are few reasons I could figure out right at this moment.

Some solutions I could think of right now.

1. Change of job.

I doubt on that. I need to handle my home front(mum's operation) now so I guess it will be trouble for me to change my job at this moment.

2. Change the city.

Same like above.

3. Learn something new related to my work or something else.

I guess that would work but I lack the time.

4. Shift to some pg near to my office.

Impossible. reason is same like 1., 2.

I wish to get some changes in my life soon. Else it will be all messy again I feel.

Now my personal life.

Mum is going to go for surgery soon. Then I have to manage a hell lot of things. And considering my office hours I am scared thinking how I will do it. I am not used to with all this house keeping and all. I realise now how hectic it is for mum, and how she has been doing it all these years. It is not easy to be a mother. Specially when your hubby is like an immature kid. That's the main problem you know. I am horrified thinking how I will manage it all alone.

Anyways... that's life again. I will face it too. But the clash between my personal life and professional life is going to be worst among all.

Well... I'm all game for it now. Lets face it too Dear Life.

My ideal match

Peter Pan...
who is my happy thought,
who gives me wings to fly.
who brings me rain in drought,
who takes me to the high.
he will come and grow up,
and be my man...
Peter Pan.

You love someone else

There was nothing to say
When you pulled her into your arms
Having me watch, wasn't easy
I held my love in deeply
All i could be was just your friend

Then before i knew it
I was watching you love
Someone else that really was a good friend too


Watching you love someone else
Really hurts my love
You don't even know how I feel
The rain will never stop falling
Drifting away like I am feeling

Oh, yea my love

Just like a flash I became your best friend
You found out that the one you really love
She didn't love you at all


Watching you love someone else
Really hurts my love
You don't even know how I feel
The rain will never stop falling
Drifting away like I am feeling

I told you so many things
You wouldn't probly wouldn't understand
I tried to tell you
You knew how i felt


Watching you love someone else
Really hurts my love
You don't even know how I feel
The rain will never stop falling
Drifting away like I am feeling

watching the one I love, love someone else